


"Lance and Hunk Get Married"

by Queenscene2



Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [4]
Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, But I Love Them, Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, I like how they think that, Scheming, Taxes, They're so dumb af, drunk marriage, especially lance, iutoetriotjreio, like pure crack cocaine, like they're looking for tax benefits so they can pick up women, literally friends with benefits, made with love by your crack fic dealer, makes them not married anymore, more tax fraud, throwing away a marriage certificate and rings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenscene2/pseuds/Queenscene2
Summary: A mistake that Lance and Hunk make one night turns out to be the breakthrough they needed.A crack fic
Relationships: Hunk & Lance (Voltron)
Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825153
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	"Lance and Hunk Get Married"

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the episode: "Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
> 
> ***This is a crack fic. Do not take anything in this fic seriously***
> 
> Prompt given to me by: @80sgaytrashgoblin. Thank you for the inspo!

“I’m telling you, man, Keith better not hear about this.” Hunk said nervously to Lance. “We aren’t supposed to be drinking on duty.” The two were heading down to a new bar that opened near the castle.

“Relax, big guy. Keith won’t suspect a thing.” Lance said confidently as he briskly walked toward the bar. He looked back and smirked at him. “Besides, you’ll forget all about it when you have a glass of Goldschlӓger in one hand and a pretty lady in the other.”

Hunk finally started to loosen up, and just in time as the two reached the entrance to the bar. Lance scoped out the scene and gave an approving nod. He headed to the bar where a petite brunette was mixing drinks. He sat down on the stool while Hunk sat on another.

“Hey, gorgeous.” Lance purred. The girl smiled at him. “Well, hey yourself.” She said. “What can I get for you tonight, handsome?”

He blushed, not used to the compliments. Nevertheless, he kept his cool. “One shot of Fireball please.” He said. “Oh, and by the way, I am _really really thirsty_ tonight so…I would keep my tab open.” He emphasized the suggestive part of his sentence and winked at her. She giggled. “Mmm. Sounds like a plan.” She turned to Hunk. “What about you?”

“I’ll have the same. Thanks.” She nodded and prepared the drinks. Hunk turned to Lance. “Damn. How is it that you get all these women to flirt back with you?” Lance smirked. “Years of practice. My papa taught me that _“Un rey no es nada sin su reina,”_ Or, _“_ A king is nothing without his queen.” So I always treat the ladies like queens.”

“Wow.” Was all Hunk could say. He was more than impressed. The girl put their drinks in front of them. “Here you are.” Lance smiled at her “Thank you...” He looked down at her nametag. “…Rachel. You’re a queen.”

“That’s what they tell me.” She said. Lance and Hunk spent the evening talking and drinking….and drinking…and drinking. At some point during the night, the boys started talking about their dreams in life. “But like I always…wanted to be a supermodel because I have a hoooootttttt body. Like, screw the garrison. I only did that for fun and to save moneeey so I can…move to wherever supermodels move to.” Lance slurred.

Hunk burst out laughing for no reason. He then gasped dramatically. “Dude, remember at the Garrison when we wanted to open our own bar? We should do that! That way, we can get _all_ the women!” Hunk slurred back, putting a large hand on Lance’s bony shoulder.

Lance patted him on the shoulder and downed his 7th shot of the evening. “Great idea, buddy oh my god!” he cried. The two had downed 3 shots of vodka, 4 shots of tequila, and 2 shots of Fireball that evening. To say that they were sloppy drunk was an understatement.

The two stumbled out of the bar laughing and spurting out nonsense. “And then I banged her on the kitchen table…no really like I accidently dropped her when I was going at it.” Lance slurred. Hunk laughed harder than necessary. “Oh my god! HAH!”

Lance put his arm around his friend. “Dude…I love you. Like, you’re my best friend forever…I could like…marry you right now, bro. No homo though.”

Hunk gasped as a “brilliant” idea popped into his mind. “Let’s do it! Then we can be bros forever…in holy matrimony!” Lance nodded. “Yeah! Who says marriage is for people who bang each other? Stupid idiot society, that’s who. That’s just…gross and dumb and shit. Marriage should be for everyone!”

“YEAH!” Hunk screamed at the top of his lungs and the two, unbeknownst to them, walked over to the courthouse, shoulders draped over each other.

~

Hunk woke up in the middle of the castle gardens, with the sun beating down on his face. He immediately turned over and threw up on the…well…once lovely lilies that were next to him.

Lance wasn’t that far away from him. He was still sleeping, his face facing down on the grass. Hunk felt a weird sensation on his left finger. He found a gold ring on his ring finger where there wasn’t one before. He gripped his head in pain. What the hell happened last night?

He moved over to Lance who was sleeping with his mouth open. He snored softly as he inhaled. “Lance.” He called out. He shook his shoulder. “Lance!” he said louder.

“I didn’t bang your mom, Kei—oh…Huh?” he was clearly out of it still. He rubbed his eye with his left hand, and that’s when Hunk saw the ring. “Um…” He was speechless as he pointed to Lance’s finger.

Lance looked at the glittering ring. “What the hell is this?” He looked at Hunk “…and why do you have a matching one?!”

Hunk felt something in his back pocket. He pulled it out to see what it was. It read:

**This is to certify that Lance Charles McClain and Hunk Tsuyoshi Garret were wed on the Twenty-Fourth Day of March in the Year Nineteen-Hundred and Eighty Four by Harlan Thompson At the Arus Capitol Courthouse.**

Where Hunk and Lance were supposed to sign their names was scribbled in black ink, as if a toddler got a hold of it and vandalized it. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was—

“We’re MARRIED?!” Lance cried. He yelped and chucked his wedding band as if it was burning him. Hunk shook his head. “I can’t remember a thing. How about you?”

Lance ignored him as he started to panic. “I can’t be married. I’m Lance McClain, bachelor for life!” He started to think of a way to get himself out of this one.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. “Wait. I just had the best idea of all ideas.” Hunk looked at him curiously. “What is it?”

Lance smirked. “Well, if we’re married, then technically, we are eligible for tax benefits.” He grabbed Hunk’s shoulders. “Do you know what this means?” Hunk paused to think. “Um…more money for food and liquor?”

“No, you dumbass! We can finally fulfill our _dream._ ” Hunk didn’t say anything. He still wasn’t sure what he was referring to. Lance shook him. “Dude! The bar? The hot babes? Hello?” he tried to prompt. Hunk finally got it. “Oh…yeah! I remember now!”

Lance grinned. “So all we have to do is pretend that we are married and go sign up for tax benefits. Then, once we get our check, we can rip up the marriage certificate, throw our rings in the lake, and go open our bar. Easy!”

“Hell yeah! Let’s do it!” Hunk said throwing his fist in the air. “But first, help me find my ring.” Lance said looking around for it.

~

The two waltzed into the town hall, looking very suspicious in the process. They ignored the looks that people gave them as they walked in beyond hungover with dark sunglasses on their faces. Lance ordered Hunk to stay behind him as he worked his charismatic magic. He walked up to the lady at the counter. Lance smiled at her. “Uh, hi.” The lady’s face was hard to read. “Can I help you?”

Lance paused for a moment. “Uh, yeah. I’m Lance, and this is my husband Hunk.” He pointed to Hunk who gave her a quiet wave in return. “We are very gay for each other and would like our tax benefits, please.”

She looked at Lance, who was sporting a wider smile than normal people would. She then looked at Hunk, who was fiddling with the pens that were in the cup in front of him, and then looked back at Lance. “Do you have the proper paperwork? I’ll have to see the taxes you filed from last year.”

 _Dammit._ Lance thought. “Um…actually…we don’t have any paperwork with us.” He said sadly.

The lady furrowed her brows. “Then, I can’t do anything unless you have your marriage and tax paperwork all set. Sorry.” From the way she said “sorry”, she didn’t really mean it. “NEXT!” She screamed, making Lance and Hunk wince in pain.

“Dude, we can’t do this. I didn’t file my taxes this year…I didn’t even know we were supposed to pay taxes!” Hunk said bewildered once they were outside. The two walked back to the castle, completely defeated. “Me neither. I wish that we knew someone who was organized and actually paid Arusian taxes.” They walked in silence for a few minutes until Lance suddenly stopped. A devilish grin cracked across his face.

“I have another idea.” He said.

~

“Well, looks like everything is in order, Mr. Kogane.” Another lady said when the two went back the next day. Lance grinned. “But of course! I always make sure to keep my paperwork all together like that. I’m very organized.”

Lance turned to Hunk. “Isn’t that right, my dear beloved husband who is the love of my life because I married him?” Hunk just nodded. Lance fake laughed. He turned back to the lady and leaned in. “You know, he’s really fun to ride.” Hunk started choking on his spit.

She gave him a look of surprise and disgust. “Right…well…uh, Mr. Kogane…you’re all set. Your return will be deposited in your bank account as soon as possible.” Lance smiled and winked at her. “Thank you kindly.” He said.

Out of eyesight, the two fist bumped. “Yes! Hot ladies here we come!” Hunk cheered. Lance grinned. “Dude, this was the best mistake that has ever happened to us.” He rubbed his hands together and pulled out Keith’s credit card from his back pocket and twirled it in his fingers. “Let’s go break in this bad boy.” He and Hunk chucked their wedding bands into a nearby sewage grate and threw their marriage certificate in the garbage.

~

Poor Keith was innocently working on progress reports to send to the Galaxy Alliance when he received a call. “This is Commander Keith Kogane.” He answered. “Hi, Mr. Kogane. This is Dagny Winters from Galaxy Garrison Credit Union. There seem to be some suspicious activity on your credit card. Would you like me to cancel it?”

 _Dammit Lance!_ Keith rubbed his eyes in frustration as he realized that Lance was the only other person who knew his PIN number. He knew he shouldn’t have told him. “Yes. Please cancel it. Thank you.” He said. “Of course. Right away.”

Afterward, Keith dialed Lance’s number, pressing the speed dial button as hard as he could to let some frustration out. He violently put it up to his ear.

_“Hey, you reached Lance’s mobile, but why are you leaving me a voicemail instead of a text? This isn’t 1973. Old people and Keith, learn how to send a text message.”_

Keith hung up and tried his number again and again and again, getting the same results. “Lance, you son of a bitch! Where the hell are you?! Pick up!!” He practically screamed at his phone.

~

Lance, however, was too busy to pick up his phone, as he and Hunk were too busy drinking and laughing with girls on their laps, driving down the road in their new rented stretch limo.

**Author's Note:**

> HENLO
> 
> I rewatched that episode of It's Always Sunny for reference. I was trying so hard not to cackle out loud because it was 12 AM and my parents were asleep hafdkfjladf.
> 
> Hope you felt...a feeling as usual. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Love,
> 
> Queenscene2


End file.
